8:00 PM - I'm coming to you from the Union desk where I happen to have been scheduled to work during this, the most momentous of occasions, so I am basically getting paid-per-witticism. Arm yourselves with vittles and libations.
8:10 PM - As a depressing sign of the times, the Kodak Theater is now called the Dolby Theater.
8:25 PM - I hope the director DOES open that bottle of champagne during the show.
8:16 PM - My official predictions for the big five (plus some plebeian ones that aren't so stuffy later on):
8:30 PM - He already made TLJ smile; we can all go home
8:32 PM - Cuba Gooding, Jr. makes me sad now.
8:32 PM - I hope someone makes fun of DDL tonight because he strikes me as a good-natured person that everyone is too afraid to say anything but reverent words to.
8:34 PM - I am officially in love with Seth MacFarlane.
8:36 PM - Those are some wicked segueways.
8:36 PM - Amy Poehler does no wrong. (Exbibit M)
8:38 PM - J-Law's reaction is why everyone wants her to be their BFF.
8:39 PM - So far this is all too classy to make fun of. Refills on libations. P.S. Charming Potato is going to be a daddy!
8:41 PM - I would pay to see that Flight sock puppet production, if he sounded that much like Denzel. (Also the first 20 minutes of Flight could stand alone as a short film and win all the awards).
8:43 PM - I feel like JGL was underutilized in that dance number.
8:44 PM - I didn't realize that Seth MacFarlane is so well-liked in Hollywood; kudos for getting all these people to play along and make fun of themselves. Sally Field is one classy lady.
8:46 PM - this song brought to you by Disney to remind you that they own EVERYTHING.
8:48 PM - Even Joaquin's beard couldn't hide that mildly amused grin. Seth wins.
8:49 PM - Philip Seymour Hoffman's son looked so proud of him! Adorbs.
8:49 PM - I forgot how great this category was until they showed all the recaps. Best Actor in a Supporting Role goes to Christoph Waltz -- well-deserved, except he was really the co-lead with Jamie Foxx.
8:52 PM - E.T. nostalgia... hinting at a win for John Williams tonight? I'm just gonna go with best piece of movie music of all time.
8: 51 PM - That song from the Sprint commercial is Alexi Murdoch, "Orange Sky."
8:56 PM - I wish comedians didn't have to be put in over-the-top, wacky comedy bits for ALL AWARDS SHOWS. It's like being put at the kids' table.
8:57 PM - PAPERMAN! I wish my lips made perfect kiss imprints even in gale force winds...
9:00 PM - Pixar is a juggernaut. I like to think they really won for La Luna.
9:01 PM - The editor of these Best Picture clips deserves a raise. Like now. (P.S. if Benh Zeitlin wins best director, he would be the 7th to win for their debut film.)
9:05 PM - You'll never be able to not see RDJ's platform shoes again.
9:08 PM - My new surprised response is going to be "Oh, gee, wow."
9:10 PM - It must have taken forever for anything to be shot on the set of The Avengers. On another note, Samuel L. Jackson's suit is bringin it.
9:16 PM - I can't decide if Anne Hathaway is genuinely THAT excited about everything, or if she's acting and therefore actually does deserve to win the award....
9:17 PM - Let's count how many different ways people pronounce "Les Miserables." Lay Miserhabl. Lay Miz. Luh Miserahhb.
9:22 PM - If this whole acting thing doesn't work out for Halle, she could always clone herself for future generations to study and learn how to keep themselves from aging. Cuz, dang, girl!
9:25 PM - "I can't tell if she's good or not." - Colleen "Eh, She's old." - Jimmie
9:30 PM - No song from a James Bond film has ever won an Academy Award, including "Live and Let Die." "Skyfall" is the first to be nominated since 1981.
9:33 PM - All of the Live Action Short nominees. Side note: I would faint if Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington gave me my award. First moment of the night that made me tear up!
9:37 PM - Daniel Day Lewis makes me want to abolish something.
9:41 PM - I totally wrote, "Too soon." Oh my gosh he's in my head, just like John Wilkes Booth.
9:42 PM - Aw Benjamin Affleck is so nervous! Not sure why, since he's not directly (badum tss) nominated.
9:45 PM - As the anonymous Oscar Ballot Caster said, "I think that Searching for Sugar Man is going to win, and I’m going to vote for it because I just felt like a million bucks after watching it -- and I bought Rodriguez’s album.” Ditto. "Cold Fact" is infinitely replayable.
9:50 PM - Can we just talk about how impossibly gorgeous these two ladies are!? Maybe that's why Benjamin was nervous. (I like that Jessica's lipstick matches Jennifer's dress.)
9:52 PM - Amour was always going to win it. It was such a feel-good film the Academy couldn't resist.
9:58 PM - Catherine Zeta Jones was born to play Velma Kelly. She is wasted in regular movies.
9:59 PM - Dang, where did Jennifer Hudson go? (But seriously, literal goosebumps. And JGL is in love.)
10:03 PM - Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway on the stage is giving me flashbacks to the BEST OSCAR OPENING EVAR (TM). Can we just make all of the Oscars a big musical extravaganza?
10:04 PM - Not gonna lie, I like seeing Russel Crowe as part of an ensemble. It's the right sort of image rehab for him.
10:05PM - Let's see you do THAT, Daniel Day Lewis (Mr. Lewis? Mr. Day-Lewis? Mr. President?) I kid. I bet he sings like an angel.
10:10 PM - DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT, SETH! You bring joy to millions!! And I just realized why this is the prefect year for Seth MacFarlane to host -- he has a legitimate outlet for the crude stuff so that he can be a classy host for the rest of the night. Next year, Stewie is the co-host.
10:15 PM - Oh my gosh, they're just going to make the other winner wait while this guy tells his life's story.
10:18 PM - They don't have tie-breakers? Please can we have a tie in one of the major categories -- oh, say, Best Actor?? That would be the cat's pajamas. (P.S. each Oscar costs $500 to make -- for a total of $25,000 per awards night -- so you'd think that they'd make sure larger-than-usual bills are basically non-existent.)
10:20 PM - That was an inspired piece of theater. Oh, World War II humor.
10:24 PM - I feel like I should be happier for her than I am. She's deserving, yes; she earned it and looks elegant and all that; but all I'm thinking is THANK GOD, we can move on. (Congrats, Ms. Hathaway, you've come so far from Mia Thermopolis).
10:30 PM - I smell field trips for middle-schoolers everywhere.
10:33 PM - You know why Argo deserves to win? All that intercutting of real news clips in 4:3 aspect with widescreen film footage. Brill.
10:35PM - J-Law's dress looks like a fluffy marshmallow cloud. I want to nap in it.
10:38 PM - Is Adele a real person? I feel like someone's playing a big trick on us. No one sounds that good without looking like they're trying a little bit. She's like, "I'm just gonna go out and sing this song real quick, BRB."
10:44 PM - Nicole Kidman should fire her hairstylist for making stringy tendrils whose shadows only add to the tendon-y look of her neck. She looks lovely though.
10:48 PM - Even in her voiceover, K Stew sounds bored. I am sad that Daniel Radcliffe was placed with her in the show just to make that lame joke work.
10:52 PM - Was that joke about Salma Hayak a little racist? Darn you, Seth MacFarlane, now I can't listen to her without laughing at her accent!
10:56 PM - I know I'm way in the minority, but I disliked Silver Linings Playbook. It was okay, but it felt disjointed and the fact that it spent the whole time trying NOT to be a romantic comedy made the ending annoying. Also, it was oversimplified in its resolution which I think ultimately hurts perceptions of what mental illness is like.
11:03 PM - I never knew that Robert Sherman helped compose the music for Mary Poppins! My childhood. Also, I like Babs with her long hair. Do they ever get tired of singing those "signature" songs again and again?
11:06 PM - Just in case you're like I once was and wonder why everyone finds her to be a BIG DEAL, here she is in all her youthful glory:
8:25 PM - I hope the director DOES open that bottle of champagne during the show.
8:16 PM - My official predictions for the big five (plus some plebeian ones that aren't so stuffy later on):
- Best Picture Argo (should win: Zero Dark Thirty)
- Best Actor: DDL (should win: Joaquin Phoenix)
- Best Actress: Emmanuelle Riva (should win: Naomi Watts)
- Best Supporting Actor: Robert De Niro (should win: Philip Seymour Hoffman)
- Best Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway (should win: Anne Hathaway)
8:30 PM - He already made TLJ smile; we can all go home
8:32 PM - Cuba Gooding, Jr. makes me sad now.
8:32 PM - I hope someone makes fun of DDL tonight because he strikes me as a good-natured person that everyone is too afraid to say anything but reverent words to.
8:34 PM - I am officially in love with Seth MacFarlane.
8:36 PM - Those are some wicked segueways.
8:36 PM - Amy Poehler does no wrong. (Exbibit M)
8:38 PM - J-Law's reaction is why everyone wants her to be their BFF.
8:39 PM - So far this is all too classy to make fun of. Refills on libations. P.S. Charming Potato is going to be a daddy!
8:41 PM - I would pay to see that Flight sock puppet production, if he sounded that much like Denzel. (Also the first 20 minutes of Flight could stand alone as a short film and win all the awards).
8:43 PM - I feel like JGL was underutilized in that dance number.
8:44 PM - I didn't realize that Seth MacFarlane is so well-liked in Hollywood; kudos for getting all these people to play along and make fun of themselves. Sally Field is one classy lady.
8:46 PM - this song brought to you by Disney to remind you that they own EVERYTHING.
8:48 PM - Even Joaquin's beard couldn't hide that mildly amused grin. Seth wins.
8:49 PM - Philip Seymour Hoffman's son looked so proud of him! Adorbs.
8:49 PM - I forgot how great this category was until they showed all the recaps. Best Actor in a Supporting Role goes to Christoph Waltz -- well-deserved, except he was really the co-lead with Jamie Foxx.
8:52 PM - E.T. nostalgia... hinting at a win for John Williams tonight? I'm just gonna go with best piece of movie music of all time.
8: 51 PM - That song from the Sprint commercial is Alexi Murdoch, "Orange Sky."
8:56 PM - I wish comedians didn't have to be put in over-the-top, wacky comedy bits for ALL AWARDS SHOWS. It's like being put at the kids' table.
8:57 PM - PAPERMAN! I wish my lips made perfect kiss imprints even in gale force winds...
9:00 PM - Pixar is a juggernaut. I like to think they really won for La Luna.
9:01 PM - The editor of these Best Picture clips deserves a raise. Like now. (P.S. if Benh Zeitlin wins best director, he would be the 7th to win for their debut film.)
9:05 PM - You'll never be able to not see RDJ's platform shoes again.
9:08 PM - My new surprised response is going to be "Oh, gee, wow."
9:10 PM - It must have taken forever for anything to be shot on the set of The Avengers. On another note, Samuel L. Jackson's suit is bringin it.
9:16 PM - I can't decide if Anne Hathaway is genuinely THAT excited about everything, or if she's acting and therefore actually does deserve to win the award....
9:17 PM - Let's count how many different ways people pronounce "Les Miserables." Lay Miserhabl. Lay Miz. Luh Miserahhb.
9:22 PM - If this whole acting thing doesn't work out for Halle, she could always clone herself for future generations to study and learn how to keep themselves from aging. Cuz, dang, girl!
9:25 PM - "I can't tell if she's good or not." - Colleen "Eh, She's old." - Jimmie
9:30 PM - No song from a James Bond film has ever won an Academy Award, including "Live and Let Die." "Skyfall" is the first to be nominated since 1981.
9:33 PM - All of the Live Action Short nominees. Side note: I would faint if Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington gave me my award. First moment of the night that made me tear up!
9:37 PM - Daniel Day Lewis makes me want to abolish something.
9:41 PM - I totally wrote, "Too soon." Oh my gosh he's in my head, just like John Wilkes Booth.
9:42 PM - Aw Benjamin Affleck is so nervous! Not sure why, since he's not directly (badum tss) nominated.
9:45 PM - As the anonymous Oscar Ballot Caster said, "I think that Searching for Sugar Man is going to win, and I’m going to vote for it because I just felt like a million bucks after watching it -- and I bought Rodriguez’s album.” Ditto. "Cold Fact" is infinitely replayable.
9:50 PM - Can we just talk about how impossibly gorgeous these two ladies are!? Maybe that's why Benjamin was nervous. (I like that Jessica's lipstick matches Jennifer's dress.)
9:52 PM - Amour was always going to win it. It was such a feel-good film the Academy couldn't resist.
9:58 PM - Catherine Zeta Jones was born to play Velma Kelly. She is wasted in regular movies.
9:59 PM - Dang, where did Jennifer Hudson go? (But seriously, literal goosebumps. And JGL is in love.)
10:03 PM - Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway on the stage is giving me flashbacks to the BEST OSCAR OPENING EVAR (TM). Can we just make all of the Oscars a big musical extravaganza?
10:04 PM - Not gonna lie, I like seeing Russel Crowe as part of an ensemble. It's the right sort of image rehab for him.
10:05PM - Let's see you do THAT, Daniel Day Lewis (Mr. Lewis? Mr. Day-Lewis? Mr. President?) I kid. I bet he sings like an angel.
10:10 PM - DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT, SETH! You bring joy to millions!! And I just realized why this is the prefect year for Seth MacFarlane to host -- he has a legitimate outlet for the crude stuff so that he can be a classy host for the rest of the night. Next year, Stewie is the co-host.
10:15 PM - Oh my gosh, they're just going to make the other winner wait while this guy tells his life's story.
10:18 PM - They don't have tie-breakers? Please can we have a tie in one of the major categories -- oh, say, Best Actor?? That would be the cat's pajamas. (P.S. each Oscar costs $500 to make -- for a total of $25,000 per awards night -- so you'd think that they'd make sure larger-than-usual bills are basically non-existent.)
10:20 PM - That was an inspired piece of theater. Oh, World War II humor.
10:24 PM - I feel like I should be happier for her than I am. She's deserving, yes; she earned it and looks elegant and all that; but all I'm thinking is THANK GOD, we can move on. (Congrats, Ms. Hathaway, you've come so far from Mia Thermopolis).
10:30 PM - I smell field trips for middle-schoolers everywhere.
10:33 PM - You know why Argo deserves to win? All that intercutting of real news clips in 4:3 aspect with widescreen film footage. Brill.
10:35PM - J-Law's dress looks like a fluffy marshmallow cloud. I want to nap in it.
10:38 PM - Is Adele a real person? I feel like someone's playing a big trick on us. No one sounds that good without looking like they're trying a little bit. She's like, "I'm just gonna go out and sing this song real quick, BRB."
10:44 PM - Nicole Kidman should fire her hairstylist for making stringy tendrils whose shadows only add to the tendon-y look of her neck. She looks lovely though.
10:48 PM - Even in her voiceover, K Stew sounds bored. I am sad that Daniel Radcliffe was placed with her in the show just to make that lame joke work.
10:52 PM - Was that joke about Salma Hayak a little racist? Darn you, Seth MacFarlane, now I can't listen to her without laughing at her accent!
10:56 PM - I know I'm way in the minority, but I disliked Silver Linings Playbook. It was okay, but it felt disjointed and the fact that it spent the whole time trying NOT to be a romantic comedy made the ending annoying. Also, it was oversimplified in its resolution which I think ultimately hurts perceptions of what mental illness is like.
11:03 PM - I never knew that Robert Sherman helped compose the music for Mary Poppins! My childhood. Also, I like Babs with her long hair. Do they ever get tired of singing those "signature" songs again and again?
11:06 PM - Just in case you're like I once was and wonder why everyone finds her to be a BIG DEAL, here she is in all her youthful glory:
11:08 PM - Middle America must be so uncomfortable right now.
11:09 PM - Life of Pi, Life of Pi, Life of Pi....
11:10 PM - Life of Pi!!!!!!
11:09 PM - Life of Pi, Life of Pi, Life of Pi....
11:10 PM - Life of Pi!!!!!!
11:12 PM - Adele has a last name and it is Adkins. Also, Scarlet Johansson can SING.
11:18PM - A baby and an Oscar in the same year! Yay, Adele!
11:19 PM - Notes to the Academy for next year: 1) Don't make the envelopes so hard to open that classy actors look like my grandpa trying to open his mail; 2) don't leave the biggest awards for the last five minutes of the ceremony -- it's disrespectful!
11:24 PM - Aw, Hook made Charlize Theron blush! He's still got it!
11:24 PM - Based on audience applause, it would seem that Beasts of the Southern Wild is definitely one of the audience favorites.
11:25 PM - Leave it to the writer to have the best acceptance speech of the night. Right in the feels. (P.S. Silver Linings Playbook not winning best adapted screenplay basically guarantees it won't win Best Picture).
11:30 PM - Tarantino makes me so nervous, God bless him. I hold my breath every time he talks in front of crowds, like I need to keep my finger poised over the "bleep" button. But I suppose he's just on the right side of crazy because who else should shut down their own exit music and just keep talking? Boss.
11: 32PM - Welcome to the 2014 Academy Awards, everyone!
11:33 PM - ANG LEE!!!!!!! He is only the second non-white person to win it. The first was... Ang Lee, in 2005. If Ben Affleck not being nominated made this happen then I'm okay with it. Wikipedia was updated with the second win 30 seconds after it happened. If that's not accurate enough for my professors, I don't know what it.
11:40 PM - I'm wondering how they could have so massively underestimated the length of this show... nothing in particular seems to have gone over time...?
11:43 PM - J-Law trips on her dress but it's no big.
11:18PM - A baby and an Oscar in the same year! Yay, Adele!
11:19 PM - Notes to the Academy for next year: 1) Don't make the envelopes so hard to open that classy actors look like my grandpa trying to open his mail; 2) don't leave the biggest awards for the last five minutes of the ceremony -- it's disrespectful!
11:24 PM - Aw, Hook made Charlize Theron blush! He's still got it!
11:24 PM - Based on audience applause, it would seem that Beasts of the Southern Wild is definitely one of the audience favorites.
11:25 PM - Leave it to the writer to have the best acceptance speech of the night. Right in the feels. (P.S. Silver Linings Playbook not winning best adapted screenplay basically guarantees it won't win Best Picture).
11:30 PM - Tarantino makes me so nervous, God bless him. I hold my breath every time he talks in front of crowds, like I need to keep my finger poised over the "bleep" button. But I suppose he's just on the right side of crazy because who else should shut down their own exit music and just keep talking? Boss.
11: 32PM - Welcome to the 2014 Academy Awards, everyone!
11:33 PM - ANG LEE!!!!!!! He is only the second non-white person to win it. The first was... Ang Lee, in 2005. If Ben Affleck not being nominated made this happen then I'm okay with it. Wikipedia was updated with the second win 30 seconds after it happened. If that's not accurate enough for my professors, I don't know what it.
11:40 PM - I'm wondering how they could have so massively underestimated the length of this show... nothing in particular seems to have gone over time...?
11:43 PM - J-Law trips on her dress but it's no big.
11:45 PM - Ooooh, the J-Law/Streep feud continues! Nice dig, Meryl.
11: 47 PM - Meryl is right; I don't even care who wins this category. The men are all brilliant. Watch Flight if only for Denzel.
11:51 PM - Can we all just go home? Daniel Day Lewis killed it. Someone give him an Oscar for his Oscar.
11:53 PM - Well, it's definitely going to be Argo. Why bring in the First Lady unless you're going to give it to a political thriller that portrays America solving international issues non-violently? (Lifetime achievement to Canada.)
11:57 PM - "I wanna thank Canada... and my wife, who I don't normally associate with Iran..." That was like the messiest, most heartfelt thank you speech I may have ever heard. Yay Benjamin Affleck!
Good night folks. Here's to another, still better year of films. And to the losers.
11: 47 PM - Meryl is right; I don't even care who wins this category. The men are all brilliant. Watch Flight if only for Denzel.
11:51 PM - Can we all just go home? Daniel Day Lewis killed it. Someone give him an Oscar for his Oscar.
11:53 PM - Well, it's definitely going to be Argo. Why bring in the First Lady unless you're going to give it to a political thriller that portrays America solving international issues non-violently? (Lifetime achievement to Canada.)
11:57 PM - "I wanna thank Canada... and my wife, who I don't normally associate with Iran..." That was like the messiest, most heartfelt thank you speech I may have ever heard. Yay Benjamin Affleck!
Good night folks. Here's to another, still better year of films. And to the losers.
